I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm gonna fight the coyote
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
