Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
