Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize