True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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