He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
