I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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