i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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