I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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