My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
