yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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