did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
