John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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