You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize