i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
