Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
