I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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