my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
