Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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