pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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