I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
