The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
