i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
