Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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