Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i think i just lost a toe
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