Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
