Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
