on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
