when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
