so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
