my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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