Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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