i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
