when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
