she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
