I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can you bring me the toilet please
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
