Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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