i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
