So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
