Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
