Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
