My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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