I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
