saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
