If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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