Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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