I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
