I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
