there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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