when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
