Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
