My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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