Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
