The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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