On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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