normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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