just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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