did i walk over a car last night?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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