Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
